


please look at me

by satiricaldepression



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Eating Disorders, LMAO DISBANDMENT FIC, M/M, all of x1 are there in the backgroud and seungwoo has one line, dieting, im not a rebooter i promise, lapslock, no unnecessary physical contact between trainees is allowed!, oh god the amount of pdx research i did for this, younyoh break the rules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25740163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satiricaldepression/pseuds/satiricaldepression
Summary: cho seungyoun is twenty-two when he first meets kim yohan.
Relationships: Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun/Kim Yohan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20
Collections: Different Pools Fic Fest





	please look at me

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: honestly, i just want to see seungyoun dealing with his dieting methods
> 
> i'm not sure why i chose this prompt but it stood out to me the most, though i also had an extremely difficult time writing it.
> 
> dear prompter, if you are reading this, i apologize in advance and really hope it is even remotely like what you wanted.
> 
> heed the tags n enjoy pls

**MAY**

cho seungyoun is twenty-two when he first meets kim yohan.

it’s six in the morning, one of the first few days of filming produce x 101, and seungyoun’s smiling. it’s fun, being on a survival show, so far. seongjun and geumryul sit on either side of him and they’re whispering, gossiping about the other contestants about to walk through the door. all the trainees are, respectively.

oui entertainment. not a very notable company, in seungyoun’s opinion, he can’t seem to recall any idols from there. except for kim donghan, and maybe a few actors.

they only have one trainee here today, seungyoun overhears another kid say. the thought makes him glad he has his other company members. initial evaluations are nerve racking enough, performing alone must be a nightmare.

the talking goes quiet when a boy finally appears on the floor. everyone stares. he bows to everyone as he makes his way to the stairs and tries to pick a seat. it must feel intimidating, the eyes. did everyone stare at seungyoun too when he walked in? it was barely twenty minutes ago but he can’t remember. (they did, they definitely stared.)

kim yohan, his name tag says.

the boy, yohan, smiles and bows at seungyoun; he returns the gesture. then he’s sitting, towards the top of the pyramid, and that’s all seungyoun sees of him, before the screen changes to the next company and the room slowly fills with the rest of the trainees.

♡

class b— seungyoun’s in class b. and that’s fine with him, honestly, b is good! high enough to be considered one of the more talented trainees, but not too high that the trainers have ridiculous expectations in class. b feels average to seungyoun. seungyoun feels average. and that’s okay for him.

things have been going well enough, in seungyoun’s opinion. he’s having fun, really. the x1-ma performance is in a few days and he’s actually confident he’ll do well. the dance isn’t hard, and regardless seungyoun’s used to difficult choreography and songs.

they’re not allowed to have their phones during filming and training, but seungyoun manages to get his hands on his anyway. it’s barely been a week, only two episodes in, but seungyoun’s already dying to see what the viewers think of him.

he doesn’t want to be full of himself, but he has a decent amount of fans already, mostly because he debuted both in uniq and solo as woodz. a lot of people seem to think he’s handsome too, it makes him way more giddy than it should, and he beams at compliments as he scrolls through sns.

until he reaches one comment.

_[+42, -13] cho seungyoun…. the one you all say is handsome? i don’t see it. he has an okay face, but maybe if he lost weight he would look better…._

if he lost weight? seungyoun’s not fat, is he? he doesn’t have abs all the time, but he’s never though he need to lose weight. does he look chubby? he’s average, he thinks.

or, he _thought._ because suddenly he thinks, maybe he is gaining a bit of weight. should he go on a diet? he’s never had to before. it wouldn’t be too hard, it’d actually be quite easy with filming going, the majority of his days spent in the practice rooms.

he’ll practice right now, he decides. it’s only… 10PM! he sees when he checks the time. filming today ended early at 7PM and most trainees usually stay to make sure that they have the performance down to a tee. but seungyoun was exhausted and opted to get some extra sleep instead. except barely two hours passed before he woke again.

so now it’s 10PM, and seungyoun’s jumping off his bed to put on some pants before quietly heading out of his dorm to not wake up everyone else sleeping.

most trainees have probably left by now, but practice rooms are kept unlocked 24/7. he’s lucky enough to find one of the larger rooms empty and only turns on one of the lights as he enters and sits in front of the mirrors.

now that he’s here, he’s suddenly way more exhausted than he thought he was. it’s technically never too late to turn back, but he’s already here, so.

he stands and looks at himself in the mirror. as much as he tries to get over that comment, that one bad comment in a sea full of praises, he just _can’t._

it makes him itch and shudder, suddenly uncomfortable in his own skin. is he fat? he _feels_ fat now. like his stomach is overwhelming protruding and his whole self is just _heavy._

he hates it. the only solution, as of right now of course, is to dance.

seungyoun dances for hours. he goes through the x1-ma routine a couple times but at this point he’s mastered it and it’s too easy. so, he tries something more vigorous, some recent hit boy group songs with overwhelming martial arts choreography and stuff like that.

he’s exhausted.

he feels better when he looks in the mirror again, though. he feels _less_. like his stomach is suddenly much flatter, much tinier. it makes him smile.

it’s past midnight, which isn’t too late at all really, but he’s beat, and decides to call it a night especially with how early they have to film in the morning.

it’s when he leaves his room that he notices there’s still someone in the room next door. usually, he wouldn’t pay them attention, but he’s exhausted, and it makes him think, _hey they must be tired too._ he feels the need to tell them to rest.

he doesn’t even think to knock on the door before barging in. maybe that was a bad idea, because the kid jumps, nearly screams, when he hears the door open and it almost makes seungyoun do that same.

“jesus christ you scared me!”

“sorry! i just— oh it’s you.”

“it’s me?”

“the kid with the heelys.”

“oh. yeah i guess…”

“sorry, that sounded rude, didn’t it?” seungyoun shakes a bit before giving a tired smile and continuing. “i’m seungyoun!”

“i’m—”

“yohan! yeah, i know your name! how could i forget, the pretty boy from kim donghan’s company.”

yohan chokes. seungyoun doesn’t even seem to realize, though, and his sleepy demeanor quickly goes away, replaced with an eager desire to talk.

“nice to meet you…” yohan attempts to return the enthusiasm. it doesn’t convey.

they technically already met, on the first day after class rankings, when everyone got sorted into dorms and was given time to get to know each other. so yohan already knew his name too.

“so what are you doing here, yohan?”

“um, dancing?”

“this late?” seungyoun frowns.

“weren’t you just dancing too?”

“how’d you know?”

“why else would you be here…” yohan shifts on his feet, looking around the room.

“right.”

there’s an awkward pause.

“well, it’s late, you should head to bed now.”

“i can’t,” yohan sighs, now starting to walk around the room. seungyoun follows.

“you can’t?”

“re-rankings are in a few days and i still can’t get the dance down.”

“still?” and maybe that wasn’t a very smart thing to say because yohan looks like he’s about to cry now.

“i’m not the best dancer, i’ve only been training for a few months…” yohan looks impossibly sadder and seungyoun feels infinitely bad for contributing to the frown on his face.

he doesn’t know what to say to fix it, though, and there’s an awkward pause in the conversation.

until seungyoun’s eyes light up and he’s almost shouting his sudden revelation, “hey i can help! i can teach you the dance!”

“you can?”

seungyoun nods rapidly, already sweaty bangs bouncing against his forehead as he does so. “yeah! i already got it down, it’ll be no problem.”

he beams as he waits for yohan’s response.

“yeah, um, that be great actually. you mean right now?”

honestly, seungyun doesn’t know what he means at all. but there’s a kid in front of him who needs help, and seungyoun wouldn’t be seungyoun if he didn’t do just that.

besides, it’s nearing 1AM and seungyoun’s wide awake.

so he nods, and that’s all it takes for yohan’s face to light up and he’s returning seungyoun’s bright expression.

he makes yohan run through the choreography once just to see what he has down, then goes through the process of teaching him what he doesn’t know. they do that step by step until an hour passes and seungyoun’s sitting to the side and watching yohan move in the mirror.

_“…. nareul makjima, makjima!”_

“yes!!” seungyoun cheers as yohan does the ending. “that was perfect!!!”

yohan bursts into breathy laughter as he tries to stop panting from exhaustion and falls to the floor next to seungyoun. “finally!!”

they’re quiet for a moment, the silence washing them with another wave of tiredness, until seungyoun speaks up again.

“hey how tall are you?”

it’s a random question but yohan doesn’t even really think about it before answering. “like, 181cm. ish. why?”

“you’re so tiny.”

“hey!” yohan shoves him at the shoulder. “not funny,” he pouts.

“it’s true! look at yourself, you must be like 20kgs!”

“shut up.” yohan giggles.

“i wish i looked like that.” seungyoun’s the one pouting now.

“what? what’s that supposed to mean,” yohan furrows his brows. “you’re so handsome.”

yohan doesn’t even think twice before complimenting the older boy, objectively speaking he must admit seungyoun is quite attractive. anyone who says otherwise must be out of their minds. he tells him that.

“i mean i guess,” seungyoun’s gaze stays fixed on his sneakers. “but i don’t know, maybe i’m too… chubby?”

“are you insane? you literally look amazing.”

“but—”

“seriously, why would you even think that?”

“well, it’s just that one of the viewers said—”

“don’t listen to them.” yohan stares into seungyoun’s eyes. “fans will always be picky about looks, it’s the price of being an idol, but you can’t let them dictate everything about you. hell, it’s only the first few weeks, we don’t even know if we’ll debut.”

seungyoun stares back.

“try not to let them get to you, yeah?”

seungyoun nods, “i won’t.”

he really does feel much more confident after the talk from yohan, and it almost makes him feel embarrassed that he had to have someone with less experience as an idol than him tell him about being an idol.

“good,” yohan smiles. “we should head back to the dorms now, it’s getting late.”

**JUNE**

weeks pass, trainees are eliminated, and seungyoun finds himself on the brink of tears as he’s called up as number 17 out of 31 during second eliminations.

it’s dumb to cry, he thinks. 17 means something now, but final eliminations are in less than a month, and if he’s 17 then, he won’t make it.

seungyoun doesn’t want to fail.

it hurts him to see some of his friends have to leave, seongjun and geumryul were eliminated after the first round, but he can’t help but be happy that _he_ made it this far.

so, tears fall from his eyes as dongwook announces the other 14 left who will be able to continue as contestants on produce x 101.

yohan is number 3, he’s crying too, as he walks to his seat, and seungyoun smiles at him.

they became a lot closer, after that night, and found themselves spending the majority of their time together, whether it be late night practices, eating dinner together, or even just enjoying each other’s presence when they were off from filming.

yohan is easy to talk to, as it’s also easy to listen to him— it’s easy for seungyoun to forget about that one comment which had plagued his mind for four hours while he danced in the practice room.

but even if he manages to ignore that _one_ comment, it doesn’t stop him from noticing the _next_ comment, and the next, until he feels the weight of their criticism suffocate him and he gives in.

he _has_ to lose weight.

it bothers him too much to not at least try.

it starts with just more vigorous exercise, practicing the choreography longer and harder than he needs to. and it pays off, he thinks, when he looks in the mirror and feels significantly _less_.

but it doesn’t last long, because he can feel the fat bulge from his stomach when he sits for too long. he can _feel_ the three cups of ramyeon sitting in him after dinner just taking up space.

it’s then that seungyoun decides he’ll start to diet.

he doesn’t completely stop eating, of course, he has more sense than to do something that would hurt himself like that, but he does try to limit his meals.

it’s mostly just cutting out ramyeon and anything else you could microwave in a cup from his meals. and no more eating past 9PM.

it’s not difficult, really, when he thinks about it. although he never really had to diet while part of uniq, he knows some of his other members had to. he thinks even recently that yibo went on a diet too, as part of the new c-drama he was filming that month.

none of the trainees seem to notice, which is good for him. not that he’s doing anything wrong, but he’d just rather not deal with that conversation.

the viewers notice though, and it makes him undeniably happy to see them compliment his body.

_[+23, -7] wah seungyoun-oppa looks really good._

_[+18, -4] cho seungyoun!!!! i love you!!!!!_

_[+45, -21] who’s the one in the blue outfit? he has a really nice figure~_

he smiles into his pillow after reading the pleasing words. the rest of his roommates are out having dinner or practice, but he decided to turn in early.

they barely finished filming an hour ago but he’s already about to fall asleep. until, he heard a knock at the door and someone’s coming in.

“hey, stranger.”

it’s yohan.

“hey.”

he walks over to seungyoun’s bunk and grips the railing as he peers into the top bunk. “why aren’t you eating with everyone else? i feel like it’s been ages since i saw you in the dining hall.”

“i’m not hungry.” he isn’t lying.

“you haven’t been hungry in four days.”

seungyoun laughs, sitting up, “i’m fine, yohan.”

“i just want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.” yohan’s voice is soft.

“i am. you don’t need to worry.”

“... fine. goodnight, hyung.”

yohan drops it there. he feels defeated and he sighs about to leave back to his own room.

“yohan-ah.”

“what?”

“come sleep with me.”

yohan doesn’t even think twice before climbing up the ladder and jumping onto seungyoun’s bed next to him.

it shifts way too loudly making them both giggle.

“are you sure this is meant to hold two grown men?”

“of course not.” and they laugh again.

it’s quiet as seungyoun wraps his arms around yohan and breathes into his soft hair. it feels nice.

“we can’t stay like this, you know. the others will be back soon.”

“we have time,” seungyoun sighs, eyes closed. he hugs yohan tighter.

“you know the rules, no unnecessary physical contact between trainees.” yohan jokes.

“do you want to leave?”

“no.”

“then shut up and close your eyes.”

yohan sighs, but complies anyway. seungyoun’s right, it’s still early, no one will be back for at least an hour, maybe two. so he lets the soft sound of seungyoun’s breathing lull him to sleep.

♡

yohan doesn’t bring it up again, the eating (or lack thereof), but seungyoun can tell he’s still worried because he checks up on seungyoun during all of their eating breaks everyday.

“what did i tell you,” seungyoun mentions the following week while they’re working on individual practice for their concept evaluation performances. “i’m fine, yohan.”

“but it’s been almost a month, hyung!” yohan emphasizes dramatically. “isn’t a month too long to diet?”

“it’s _fine_ , yohan. it’s not like i’ve completely stopped eating.”

“but haven’t you lost enough weight?” he’s frowning, nose scrunched slightly, and he looks so adorably concerned that seungyoun feels like his heart actually hurts. “i just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“i am okay.” seungyoun barely thinks about what he’s saying before he continues. “but i guess you’re right. i’ll stop dieting.”

“wait, really!” yohan’s face lights up. (he didn’t think it’d be that easy.) “you’re actually gonna stop?”

seungyoun doesn’t know why he says yes. he doesn’t know why he feels so compelled to listen to yohan. but just seeing the younger boy smile with excitement as he waits for seungyoun’s response just suddenly makes him want to give him everything he wants. so he says yes.

“yeah, i’ll stop.”

yohan instantly hugs him, arms wrapped tightly around his waist. and that alone makes saying yes worth it.

**JULY**

it’s the 19th, the day of the finale, and seungyoun’s standing on the platform more anxious than he’s ever been in his entire life as he waits for dongwook to announce the final lineup.

this is it. he has to make it.

_kang minhee!_

breathe in and out.

_cha junho!_

breathing kind of hard right now, isn’t it?

_nam dohyon!_

seungyoun forgot how to breathe, he thinks.

_lee hangyul!_

he probably didn’t make it.

_son dongpyo!_

was this all for nothing?

“yuehua entertainment, cho seungyoun!”

everything goes silent. it’s too quiet, it’s too loud. he can hear his own heartbeat, the same way he can hear all the screams from the crowd. everyone’s hugging him, congratulating him, and he can barely think before a microphone is handed to him and he’s basically being pushed across the stage.

a million emotions run through his head as he gives his speech, he barely knows what he’s saying. everything is going so quickly and he’s already sitting in the 5th rank seat while dongwook moves on to the next trainee.

it’s song hyeongjun, then han seungwoo, then kim wooseok, and… kim yohan.

it feels louder than ever as the audience cheers. yohan drops to the ground, starts crying, and seungyoun feels his heart swell with joy.

he did it. they both did. they’re debuting _together._

when yohan finally finishes his ‘thank you’s and makes his way to the top of the pyramid, where he belongs, seungyoun thinks, he stops by seungyoun's seat to smile.

“we did it.”

dongwook announces the final trainee, the x rank, and it’s lee eunsang.

and that’s it, it’s finally over. it’s him and these ten other boys together for the next five years. (for the rest of their lives)

“congratulations to the winners and final line up of x1!”

the crowd goes wild.

**AUGUST**

when seungyoun told yohan he was done dieting, he really did mean it.

but this time, it’s not just him. wooseok and seungwoo said that they were going to diet too for their debut. swing even brought it up once too, saying that it'd be good for the older members to tone up and lose some weight before promotions start.

so he really can’t help it when he falls back into the routine of eating less and dancing more.

this diet is stricter, one that the company had professionals come up with, with actual meal plans opposed to seungyoun previous self made rules of _no food after 8PM!_ and _only one cup of ramen a week!_

this time, the diet consists of.

_breakfast: meat & brown rice OR cereal/granola _

_lunch: fried tofu rice ball & one sweet potato OR meat/brown rice, then exercising before drinking one cup of shake (chicken breast + apple) _

_dinner: fried tofu rice ball OR cereal, then drinking another shake after about two hours._

and he doesn’t hate it. there’s room for slight variation in his meals, and regardless seungyoun loves fried tofu rice balls.

when he starts, it’s only supposed to last two and a half weeks. just until they’re done promoting. when debut finally comes, seungyoun truly does feel happier than he ever has in his entire life. he feels happy, and successful, and as dumb as it sounds, he feels skinny.

he loves the way fans cheer for him during every performance, he loves seeing all their praises on sns. he’s exhausted 24/7 but he thinks it’s almost worth it if it means this is the love he’ll receive.

promotions finally end, and wooseok and seungwoo choose to go off their diets. seungyoun on the other hand doesn’t.

“are you sure?” seungwoo questions, after he invites seungyoun out for a celebratory dinner to which the younger declines.

he nods, “yeah i’m still dieting.”

“still? it’s been almost a month now.”

“i know, but it’s fine, i like it actually.”

seungwoo frowns, but then accepts, just shrugging and giving a seungyoun an _“ok,”_ before heading out the door with hangyul and wooseok.

seungyoun returns to his room, laying flat down on his bed. he doesn’t even get to close his eyes before there’s a knock at the door. it’s probably one of the kids. he sighs. “come in.”

“hey hyung.”

oh it’s yohan.

“yohan,” seungyoun sits up and smiles. he holds his arms.

yohan walks over to the bed, dropping himself into seungyoun’s embrace and letting the older boy squeeze him tight. they both sigh in to the touch.

it’s silent, but nothing needs to be said as they both lay down together. it’s comfortable, they haven’t had time to just enjoy each other’s presence with their busy schedules

yohan speaks first. “are you okay, hyung?”

“what do you mean?”

“well, you’re dieting again— hey wait for me to finish talking ok— and i know you say it’s fine, but i’m just worried, alright? it’s not healthy to be dieting so often like this. what if something happens to you.”

“nothing is going to happen to me, yohan. i’m not starving myself, i know my limits, ok? don’t you trust me?”

“hyung, you know i trust you, don’t say that,” yohan pushes himself out of seungyoun’s grip so he can turn and face him. they’re only centimeters apart. “don’t you trust _me_? i just want you to be okay.”

“i trust you, yohan, and i appreciate your concern, i really do. but i promise i’m okay. i’m more than okay, i’m happy.”

yohan leans in closer. seungyoun can tell he’s thinking, but he doesn’t say anything else. then he turns over again, back facing seungyoun, and pulls his arms around him. “i’m sleeping in here tonight.”

“okay.”

♡

seungyoun’s diet ends eventually, because it has to. yohan doesn’t say it, but seungyoun can tell he’s happy about it.

seungyoun’s happy too, he loses 6kg in two weeks and his abs are more prominent than ever.

and now, he thinks he can spare one night eating all the junk food in the world with yohan and not worry about what might come next.

he doesn’t realize how much he’s missed having pizza until he takes a bite and almost dies from how good it is. maybe he should have listened to yohan sooner.

**SEPTEMBER**

seungyoun’s world comes crashing down faster than ever.

_“[BREAKING] police have reportedly acquired circumstantial evidence that the Produce X 101 final rankings for X1 were rigged. votes received by eliminated trainees were given to trainees selected for X1. it is reported 2 or 3 members were changed due to the rigging.”_

this isn’t real, is it?

**OCTOBER**

_“police have conducted a search and seizure on several X1 members' agencies in connection with the vote rigging allegations, including Woollim and MBK.”_

seungyoun can’t breathe.

**NOVEMBER**

_“MNET announces X1 and IZ*ONE will not attend 2019 MAMA on december 4.”_

_“MNET announces X1's appearance at the '2019 VLIVE AWARDS 'V HEARTBEAT' has been cancelled entirely.”_

yohan cries into seungyoun’s arms.

“it’ll be okay. this isn’t goodbye.”

**DECEMBER**

_“CJ ENM CEO announces X1 and IZ*ONE will resume their activities.”_

seungyoun has hope. he deserves to be happy, doesn’t he?

**JANUARY**

_“[BREAKING] X1 member agencies release statement confirming X1 will be disbanding.”_

it happens so fast, seungyoun can barely think before everything’s taken away from him.

they’re disbanding. he can’t seem to wrap his head around that. how are they disbanding, they just debuted?

 _god, i know i said i was sick of flash and never wanted to perform it again but i didn’t mean like this,_ he thinks.

he failed again. he failed as uniq, he failed as woodz, and he failed as x1, he thinks.

he didn’t make it.

**FEBRUARY**

“this isn’t anyone’s fault,” seungwoo says.

**MARCH**

“hello?” seungyoun answers his phone.

“hey, it’s me.”

“yohan.”

“how are you doing?”

**APRIL**

time moves unbelievably fast. seungwoo rejoins victon, minhee and hyeongjun debut in cravity, there are even rumors of a new mbk and oui boy group.

seungyoun is alone.

**MAY**

seungyoun’s debuting again. well, he doesn’t really know if he can call it a debut, because he’s already released his own music as woodz in the past. it’s more of a comeback then. but it’s happening.

he starts dieting again. it’s the same one as before. yohan would be upset probably if he knew.

it’s even easier this time, though. he barely has an appetite nowadays, and he’s always busy with schedules too. he doesn’t even feel happy when he looks in the mirror.

he loses weight, but he’s already lost everything else too. he feels empty.

**JUNE**

_“cho seungyoun (woodz) makes his comeback with his 1st mini album 'equal' on june 29!”_

the comeback does well. he passes 100k sales within the first week and receives a lot of support from his fans. he’s grateful.

things get easier. he feels better.

**JULY**

seungyoun decides to quit dieting. forever.

**AUGUST**

“happy birthday, hyung!”

“thanks, yohan.” he smiles into the phone camera.

“how have you been! i feel like we haven’t talked on the phone in so long. you’re always so busy.” he pouts through the screen.

seungyoun giggles. “i’m okay, i miss you.”

“i miss you too!”

they talk all night.

seungyoun starts to feel happy again.

**Author's Note:**

> bro i deadass have no idea what i just wrote
> 
> if u liked it even a little bit pls leave a kudos or comment thank u TT
> 
> [8/22] hello!! reveals were today n yes it is me, ur most irrelevant x1cton writer, satiricaldepression :D i am glad all three of u who read this seemed to enjoy it. reflecting a bit, i actually quite like this despite it getting a little odd and rushed towards the end. i don’t expect many people to read this considering it’s a sensitive topic but that’s ok! i wrote this for myself and for the prompter and for all of u who made it this far! thank u for reading!!!!!
> 
> u can find me on twt [@vorekangs](https://twitter.com/vorekangs?s=21)


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